Help! I’m a good person — so why am I still single?

"Let's Talk About Sex, Erica": Erica Gilman Answers Your Questions About All Things Sex

“Why am I still single after 21 years? I know I have a disability which puts me on a lower level with other people but I don’t think I’m unattractive or a loser. It makes me sad because I’m an Okay person. Seeing couples together, I just ask why.”


First off, and this is for everyone reading this, there are no levels. Everyone has their “thing,” and I do mean everyone. It could be a disability, an STI, a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, a weird cowlick on the forehead, but everyone has a thing that they feel makes them unloveable or they fear might put people off. But these same people can find love, in spite and because of their thing.


When people ask why they are single — why no one is interested in them, why they feel perpetually unloveable, etc. — my answer is simple: It’s not your time. Being in love is a wonderful and beautiful thing; however, it is not everything. It can get you down, being single, I know that well, and your frustration is understandable. But it is always better to wait for the right time than to force something at the wrong time. Things come together when they are supposed to, with a little help from you.


Maybe you can find a way to put yourself out there more, pick up some hobbies that will put you in environments with like-minded people, start up conversations with people you wouldn’t normally talk to. Creating romantic relationships is like making friends: You put a little bit in and they put a little bit in. If you’re putting that little bit of yourself out into the world, it’s all about finding the right person to give you a little bit back. Again, that comes without force, when it’s ready.


It’s hard looking around at couples and feeling alone, but you’re not alone. There are many other single people out there, sitting on different benches and at different picnic tables with the same feelings about their own “thing” that makes them feel unloveable. Your disability will not deter anyone who is worthwhile and good. Believe that you are worthy of it all, because you are. Love is a little bit of give and a little bit of waiting. It comes when it’s ready, and not a moment before. Never doubt yourself, and you will find that when love comes knocking, you will be more than enough.


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