By Jude Casimir
the thing about being bone-crushingly sad at 1:30 in the morning is that everyone else is sleeping so you can’t go into the kitchen to eat your feelings nor can you blast your angsty music on full so you just shrivel up in your bed and die full of sad
but you don’t really die, you just lie in bed thinking about death, you think about death too much for someone so young, and you’re worried about that but not enough to try to correct it
you worry about this cynicism that must’ve gotten into your bloodstream somehow and is this why you like that show you’re the worst so much?
and you wish you didn’t care, but you care too much, you care about too much and you’ve been sad and uncool all your life and people don’t take you seriously, and you wonder what’s even the point in caring when you’re just gonna shrivel up and die full of your too much care
and you wonder why you’re even sad like fucking get over it am i right because everyone’s got problems and people have bigger problems people have monumental problems people are in earthquakes people have no power you privileged bitch and just get over whatever it is you privileged bitch because you’re not the only one who’s sad and
it’s 2 in the morning and you wish you could get some sleep but you’ve given yourself insomnia because you have no reason to be awake nowhere to go
and then it’s 2:30 and you’re angry at yourself because god no one likes self-pity and you don’t like self-pity and oh god oh wow is this why no one likes you is this part of it at least but you’re just
you’ve been trying goddammit you’ve been trying so hard but have you really and you’ve got a lot you wanna talk about but no one will listen unless you say it in a funny relatable way but even that’s a gamble and besides are you really really really trying to be heard like are you trying your hardest
it’s 2:48 when you realize: you’re not, are you?
but you’re already spinning and it’s 3 in the goddamn morning and you just spin and keep spinning and you’re dizzy so dizzy and is this what getting high feels like but your head feels like it’ll explode and you actually sort of welcome it like finally what took you so long
light streams through your window pouring in and the people in your house wake up start shuffling about it’s 6 or 7 in the morning now and you should go to sleep because you don’t wanna bother anyone with your sad and your blood-level cynicism and your too much care and your self-pity because who the hell even are you